Yesterday I was thinking about making memories in the pandemic and how challenging that feels. So much of making memories comes from experiences and interactions with others and going places. The pandemic has limited that, especially for people like me in the high-risk category.
A friend recently said to me that their world feels small in the pandemic, which really resonated with me, as I am feeling that deeply, too. I realized yesterday that the only in-person interactions I’ve had these past two months is with doctors, phlebotomists and radiology techs. I’ve only had two social distancing dates with two friends these entire five months.
Yesterday I saw my bestie for the first time since my birthday in April. Four months is a long time to not see your bestie. We met at the farmers’ market early in the morning, and before we left, I bought these beautiful bunch of sunflowers. The person who grew them told me how sunflowers turn toward sunlight instinctively. They are always looking for the light and turning toward it. Maybe that’s what I am trying to do in this pandemic, finding the light and turning to it.
This morning, I am thinking about the memories made yesterday. The custard-filled croissants my bestie brought us for breakfast. The embarrassing moment when we yelled across the parking lot to someone we thought was our friend, but wasn’t. The look of joy on my mom’s face when I surprised her with a favorite plant that I bought her at the farmers’ market. My face hurting so bad from laughing so hard on a family FaceTime call.
Memories are still being made. They just look a lot different during this season of our lives. They are marked by small moments that still have as much impact as those larger moments in pre-pandemic times. It may require being more mindful and more present to be able to recognize the memories being made—simple but soul-filling.
Trauma anniversaries can be difficult to cope with. Whether it’s a particular day, holiday, season or month, knowing when that anniversary (or anniversaries) occurred can be helpful in creating a plan for how you will care for yourself. I created this infographic to help normalize what you may be experiencing and help you find new ways of coping.
One of my anniversaries occurred near 4th of July. Every year after that, when that holiday approached, I would become sad and weepy and wanting to isolate. For years I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was actually a common response to a trauma anniversary.
Over the years, the event has lost its emotional charge with the help of a great therapist, EMDR and my own personal growth and healing. For me, reclaiming that day and finding new meaning was so important to my journey. I used to feel broken and helpless this time of year. But now I feel strong and empowered. I got through it. I survived. I no longer think of it as a trauma anniversary, but a celebration anniversary of me and the day I left and took back my life.
Not every struggle yields growth. But sometimes there are certain things that happen in our lives that do. This might be one of those times.
Photo by Carla Kucinski.
My heart has been feeling heavy. Chances are yours is too.
As I sat in my living room on a recent morning, folding laundry in the quiet of my home, I noticed the weight tugging on my heart. These moments of silence are important. Without them, we lose connection with ourselves. And without that connection, we cannot identify, process and express what we are feeling. For me, in that moment, I was feeling grief.
Earlier that morning, I heard the report of the first infant death related to COVID-19, and that’s when the heaviness hit me. Every day, people are dying, and hearts are being broken. We are collectively grief-stricken.
Every one of us has lost something during this pandemic—jobs, loved ones, pets, health, homes, routines, proms, graduations, weddings, funerals, birthday celebrations, normalcy, safety, security… The list goes on.
It may bring you comfort knowing that you are not alone in your loss and that what you are experiencing is universal. However, it may also bring you deep sadness, anger or frustration knowing that all of us are suffering on some level.
And while we all may be experiencing similar losses, we will all handle these losses and our grief in different ways.
During this strange and unpredictable period of our lives, for me, grief has felt like high tide and low tide. It ebbs and flows. At times, things feel okay. At other times, it doesn’t. A text from a friend could make me smile or make me cry. Some days I am super productive and connecting with the people I love, and other days I want to do nothing but be alone and veg out on my bed with Netflix. Sometimes I feel at peace and hopeful. Other times I feel helpless.
We often think of grief as being connected to the death of someone we love, but grief can be a response to any deep loss. The end of a relationship. A dream taken away. A move to a new city. A loss of health. That’s what makes it so hard sometimes to recognize that what we’re actually experiencing is grief.
When I look back on some of the darkest times in my life, trauma and grief were intertwined. A sudden, overwhelming event would happen and inevitably lead to grief. And sometimes, it would also lead to growth.
Photo by Carla Kucinski.
I remember what it felt like 10 years ago when I left my ex-husband and the grief that followed me. No one died, but it felt like a funeral. I lost my marriage, my house, my neighborhood that I loved, who I was and what I thought my life was going to be. I spent time with friends and family, but I also spent a lot of time alone–thinking, reflecting, grieving. Much like the space I find myself in today, my life slowed down and suddenly I had time, quiet and lots of solitude.
I both hated and loved all that time to myself. I was terrified of being alone and also relieved to have calm and quiet after so much upheaval and suffering. Grief was not something that I could just “get over.” I had to go through it.
During that grieving process, I struggled as I found healthy ways to cope with what happened and tried to make sense of it. I also started to question my place in the world. I went through some deep suffering, and I came out on the other side a changed person. I found my voice and I found me.
Over time, I learned how to become my own refuge again. I found a new normal, a new relationship with myself and others, deepened my friendships and my personal strength, and cultivated a greater appreciation for the healthier and more fulfilling life that came afterwards.
It’s what Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD named post-traumatic growth in the ‘90s. Their research showed that after a traumatic or difficult event, some individuals may experience improved growth in key areas such as: relationships, a deeper appreciation for life, new possibilities for themselves, personal strength, and spirituality or finding greater meaning in life. They also discovered that this process didn’t happen passively. Rather, one had to actively engage in processing, coping with and making meaning from this life change, and that the personal growth comes from this process—not the actual trauma that happened.
Not every struggle yields growth. But sometimes there are certain things that happen in our lives that do. This might be one of those times.
After all of this is over, what will you discover? Who will you become?
Slow down, pause and just notice. You get to decide how you want to use this time and what matters most. Maybe you will deepen your relationship with yourself and others. Maybe you will have a greater appreciation for life. Maybe your struggle will lead to something greater. Keep your heart open to the possibilities.
I shed some tears on my yoga mat today and it was so needed.
I am trying to move my body every day, sometimes several times a day, to
support my overall well-being. Today, I felt pulled to do some gentle yoga. It’s
been rainy and cold here in North Carolina the last few days, and I’ve been
feeling sluggish, so yoga seemed like just the right amount of movement for me.
I decided to create my own flow to connect more deeply to myself and my body and listen to what it needs. Yoga can be such a powerful way to connect to ourselves and the ground and the present moment, especially in times like these where life can feel surreal, as if we are in a movie. That feeling of dissociation is being felt by so many of us. You’re not alone.
Photo by Carla Kucinski
Yoga has been my life raft in many turbulent times. Through
illness, through grief, through deep loss, yoga has been my refuge—my place of
safety, security, centeredness and stillness. Today, it also brought me much
needed peace.
As I stepped onto my yoga mat, I decided to do my own sequence
of postures by listening to what my body needed. I cued up an old yoga playlist
I created on Spotify. (I’ve shared it below.) And I paused at the top of my
mat, closed my eyes, and just paid attention to my breath and my feet connected
to the ground. Thich Nhat Hanh’s meditation came to mind:
Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.
In. Out.
As I moved through my yoga postures, I felt more alive. When
I felt areas of tension, I held the pose longer until I felt a loosening. My
hips, back and heart were calling my attention. After days of feeling
contracted in fear and uncertainty, my body felt like it was opening up and
loosening its grip on what Tara Brach calls “the trance of fear.” I felt joy. I
felt peace. I felt balance. I felt safe. I felt centered.
By the time I reached savasana, I experienced a stillness inside of me that moved me to tears. My eyes began to water and at first, my automatic response was to resist it, to hold back the damn and go back to that state of grip I’ve been experiencing. But when I noticed what I was doing, I paused and breathed and told myself to let it go. Again, there was that release, that loosening. It felt like freedom.
Our bodies need ways to express and release emotion. We need
that escape valve to let the air out. Our emotions have energy and that energy
needs somewhere to go; it needs to discharge. Otherwise, it remains inside of
us, building and building until it cannot hold and then manifests in other ways—angry
outbursts, feeling flooded or overwhelmed by emotion, causing harm to yourself,
numbing or shutting down your emotions, body and connection to self. But in
order to do that, and do that safely, we need to first find within ourselves a
sense of safety and peace that resides in each of us. In Buddhism, this
practice is referred to as “taking refuge.”
In Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your
Life with the Heart of a Buddha,” she writes: “Taking refuge transforms our
relationship with fear. … By taking refuge we learn to trust the unfolding of
our lives.”
What are some ways you can begin to discover within you inner peace and safety? How can you use this time to cultivate refuge? Yoga, mindfulness and meditation are all good places to start to reconnect with yourself and rediscover inner peace. There are tons of resources online. Check out an earlier post listing free resources including guided meditations and mindfulness practices. Many yoga studios have also shifted their classes online as well. Explore what’s being offered in your area or do a Google search to discover the various yoga apps and YouTube channels that are available.
Of course, these are not the only ways to discover inner peace. Yoga, meditation and mindfulness have been part of my journey to finding inner refuge, safety and security. What will your journey be?
In the wake of COVID-19, so many great free resources have emerged to calm and soothe ourselves. I’ve pulled together some of the resources I’ve come across and added a few personal favorites. Bookmark this post and return to it often, as I will be adding more resources as I learn of them. Please feel free to also email me with any free resources that have been helpful to you as well and I’ll be happy to add them to this page. Please take good care of yourselves and of each other.
Apps to Calm and Soothe
Calm
Calm app is offering free resources including
meditations, music, talks and stories.
Headspace is offering several free resources including a
selection of free meditations, as well as free subscriptions for healthcare
professionals and educators.
Psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher Tara
Brach offered a free guided meditation, followed by a talk this past week and
it was glorious. I participated in the event and it was the most peaceful 1 ½ hours
I have experienced in a while. For updates on the next live stream or view some
of Tara’s inspiring talks, visit www.facebook.com/tarabrach.
Creating a Home Retreat
Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield offer tips for
creating a home retreat, as well as a free video of a guided half-day retreat with
Tara and Jack that you can follow in your home.
With more individuals having to work from home, it can
add more stress to our mind, body and spirit as we adjust to this change, some
of us telecommuting for the first time, and also trying to find harmony as our
work-life and home-life collide. It’s important now more than ever to
incorporate some calming activities after a day of work. Try these activities
from Deepak Chopra.
21-Day Free Meditation Experience with Deepak and Oprah
This 21-day meditation offers an opportunity to improve
your overall well-being and increase peace and fulfillment in your life. Click here
to sign up.
A free masterclass by one of my favorites: Martha Beck. From Martha’s website, “This is a time when familiar things are crumbling—but as they do, rigidity gives way to fluidity, and inspired new ways of living can emerge.” Masterclass begin March 31, 2020.
This beautiful documentary explores the monastery community
of Zen Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. It’s beautifully shot with such care
and intentionality. The film instantly calms and soothes as you watch.
This podcast is by a friend of mine and fellow helper in
the world. Its main audience is female entrepreneurs; however, I think there are
great messages in her podcast for folks in general. Devoney is a ray of
sunshine, and her podcast reflects that as well.
From Apple Podcast: “Awaken,
discover and connect to the deeper meaning of the world around you with
SuperSoul. Hear Oprah’s personal selection of her interviews with
thought-leaders, best-selling authors, spiritual luminaries, as well as health
and wellness experts. All designed to light you up, guide you through life’s
big questions and help bring you one step closer to your best self.”
Superfans of The Office will love this behind-the-scenes
look of each episode of The Office. Co-stars and best friends Jenna Fischer and
Angela Kinsey explore an episode each week with the occasional special guest
and their great insider-info.
