A friend of mine recently reached out to me after having a hard day at work. We met for an impromptu dinner to vent and decompress from what was a difficult day for her. Sitting across from each other, I listened intently as she recounted the details of the day. The theme throughout her story was fear, worry, stress and a feeling of instability. My friend was in the throes of transition. She was still just a few months into this new role and trying to adjust to all the new duties that came with it while simultaneously trying to cope with other transitions in her personal life. It is not an easy place to be in.
We have all experienced phases of transition in our lives, whether it’s adjusting to a new role at work, the end of a relationship, or a health diagnosis we weren’t expecting. Even when it’s a positive phase in our life such as buying a home, becoming a parent or going back to college, the transition into this new phase of our life can be met with anxiety, frustration, fear, and even grief or loss.
Why transition can be difficult
Transition can be extremely uncomfortable. Often, what causes that uncomfortableness is the space between where you are and where you want to be. The tension between these two can make us feel stuck, leading to feelings such as frustration, sadness, anger and self-doubt. We can also experience helplessness and hopelessness. And almost always, some type of loss is experienced.
I remember the night before I had planned to hand-in my resignation at a former job, I bawled my eyes out. Even though I knew in my heart and my gut that this was the best decision for me, I felt a deep sadness about this major change in my life that went beyond missing the people I work with. I wasn’t just leaving a career that I enjoyed for 15+ years, but also everything that I knew and that felt familiar. It felt like stepping into a great unknown. Why? Because I was losing my sense of security. I was 37 years old, entering graduate school to become a mental health counselor and embarking on a brand-new career. I was TERRIFIED.
When we experience major transitions in our life, sometimes the tension can come from changes to our identity as a result of the transition. I know I have experienced many transitions where I found myself asking: Who am I? Who do I want to be? When I left my job to go back to school, so many of my identities shifted. I was now a student and no longer a boss. I went from being an equal financial provider in my family to minimally contributing financially. Like my friend in her new role at work, I was in a period of change and growth.
I got through these growing pains by being mindful of what I was feeling and thinking, by practicing compassion toward myself, and by learning patience with not only myself but the process of unfurling into this new phase of my life. These practices are strongly rooted in mindfulness. I’ve broken down some of these tips below and elaborated on how you can integrate these skills into your life.
Tips For Coping With Transition
Recognize that you’re going through a hard time. There is so much relief that can come just from validating our own experience and having compassion for the difficult time we are having in the moment. Name it to tame it. When we acknowledge what we are experiencing, it can take away some of the power of whatever difficult emotions we are feeling. It’s almost like slowly releasing some of the air from a balloon. We can feel some sense of relief, even if only for a little while.
Transition is a part of life. Accept that we all encounter transitions in our life and that each transition comes with its challenges. It’s universal. We all go through it. You are not alone in it. Recognizing this can help us feel less isolated in times of suffering and may even provide some comfort in knowing that we all experience this.
Practice self-compassion. Ask yourself what you need? Is there a word or mantra you can say to yourself in difficult times that speaks to you? A phrase or affirmation that brings you comfort or hope? One affirmation I heard recently that I just LOVE is “the path will open.” It captures hope and strengthens trust that a new door or path will open to something different. Or maybe instead of a phrase it’s an action you need to take such as moving through a few of your favorite yoga poses, making yourself some tea or writing in your journal.
Reach out to a trusted friend. Connection is key in times of distress. Talking with a trusted friend about your experience can help you feel loved and validated. Being heard and understood can be deeply healing and help us feel less isolated and more connected to others and ourselves.
Recognize the wins. Sometimes when we are in the throes of transition, and therefore in deep suffering, we can lose sight of how far we’ve come. Now, I’m not suggesting you minimize your pain or be all Pollyanna, pretending that everything is wonderful. But it’s important to recognize the strides to help give us a kernel of hope. So maybe you’re adjusting to the end of a relationship and feelings of grief. But as you reflect on who you were in the relationship and who you are now, you realize that you have a lot less stress in your life because of the toxicity in the relationship and that your social circle has expanded and deepened because you’ve reached out to friends for support. Or maybe you’re in a new role at work that causes self-doubt, but when you pause to look at the gains this past week, you realize “I really nailed that presentation” or “I had a breakthrough with a client” or “it was a stressful day, but I got through it by reaching out to a friend.”
