During my last semester of grad school, I took a substance abuse class in which we were assigned to give up something for an entire semester. The purpose was to help us better understand addiction and experience what it is like to break unhelpful habits and patterns in our lives. Some of my classmates gave up things like sugar, Netflix or social media. I chose to abstain from a behavior: not using my voice.
Growing up I was extremely shy, quiet and introverted. I was the kind of kid who would hide under the dinner table at family gatherings or cry during performances that my pre-school made us participate in. And while I have outgrown my shyness, I have embraced my quiet, gentle nature and introversion as a proud INFJ. But what I began to uncover through this abstinence project (and my own therapy) was that I had developed a pattern of not sharing my thoughts or emotions or advocating for myself whenever I faced confrontation.
I had spent most of my adult life holding this tension between staying quiet and using my voice. For me, this happened most frequently with authority figures or some type of hierarchical relationship. My automatic response would be to shut down and withdraw. While in that state, my chest and stomach would tighten, and I would internalize all the emotions I wasn’t releasing, which kept me locked in painful emotions and sensations.
My response was rooted in trauma and a negative core belief of “I’m not good enough” and “my voice doesn’t matter.” Patterns of past unhealthy romantic relationships and traumatic events within those relationships formed and reinforced these beliefs and chipped away at my self-worth. I tried to adapt to these situations by shutting down and retreating. This is a common trauma response. We also see this occur in nature when animals “play dead” or freeze in the presence of a predator. Just like humans, they do this as a form of physical and emotional protection.
Whatever we practice gets stronger
“Whatever we practice gets stronger,” says mindfulness expert Tara Brach. While this process of using my voice was uncomfortable, scary and anxiety-producing at times, I felt more comfortable and grounded the more I practiced. I felt less stuck.
Through this growing process, my clients also inspired me. While I was wading through my abstinence project, I was also simultaneously counseling survivors of sexual, physical and emotional abuse at my internship site. A huge part of my work with clients was helping them find or rediscover their voice and supporting them through that process of practicing safe and empowering ways to use it. I felt like I was in a parallel process with my clients of finding and owning my own voice, too. Witnessing the risks they were taking and the positive changes they were creating in their lives inspired my own journey. Embracing my own voice also made me an even stronger advocate for my clients.
There’s a quote about how “staying the same is almost riskier and more uncomfortable than taking the risk.” While staying silent appeared to keep me seemingly safe and comfortable, it was more uncomfortable for me to stay in that place because I knew that I had more to offer, but most importantly, I deserved more. The more I began to use my voice, the less power my negative belief of “I’m not enough” had over me. I spoke up more in class, at staff meetings, with my loved ones, with my doctors. I started to write a new story: My voice matters. I matter. You and your voice matter, too.
Reflection Exercise
Think about this: There is no one else like you. You are uniquely you, which is pretty amazing when you really stop to think about it. We all have a purpose on this planet and possess something valuable to offer. Your voice, your story, your thoughts, your feelings, they are all worthy and deserving of being shared, received, honored and listened to.
What holds you back from sharing your thoughts and feelings and advocating for yourself? Who told you or made you feel like your voice doesn’t matter? What’s one step you can take today toward owning your voice and advocating for your needs?