Tag: trauma

Posted on

How to cultivate peace in uncertain times

Yellow fall leaves and blue sky
Photo by Carla Kucinski

On a recent Saturday afternoon, I made a fall-inspired soup that made the whole house smell like warm apples, butternut squash and cinnamon. I felt comforted by these scents and nurtured by my act of self-care. I noticed how it made the house feel cozier, my breath slower and my body more at ease.  

The senses are mighty. This one simmering pot of soup became a powerful gateway to feeling safe, secure and grounded; it also unlocked another pleasant memory of a time when I felt this way. 

In my mind, I floated back a few years ago to me coming home to my mom, cooking in my kitchen. It was an October afternoon. The smell of chicken soup greeted me as I saw her smiling and bouncing around the kitchen in her apron. She was completely in her element. I instantly felt comforted by it all—her presence, the scents, the afternoon sunlight pouring through the windows, the sound of daytime television streaming from the living room, how the stove warmed the whole house. In that moment, what I felt most was comfort.  

At the time, I was going through several major life transitions. I was adjusting to my first semester of graduate school in counseling, while simultaneously grappling with a new medical diagnosis and treatment that was impacting my quality of life. Every day I felt like I had the flu. Then the next unexpected wave hit. I was barely halfway through my first semester when I suddenly became bedridden with unexplainable fever, fatigue and weakness for three weeks. Terrified and confused, I felt like the ground was crumbling beneath me.  

What helped alleviate the uncertainty was my mom, who flew across the country to take care of me. Having her there gave me something to hold onto, something familiar. Food in my family is love, and so her cooking also made me feel nurtured and cared for. And that’s why this memory of my mom cooking in the kitchen sticks out so much for me; it was a rare moment in a sea of uncertainty where I felt that I was going to be okay.  

Uncertainty is a difficult emotion for so many reasons. It leaves us feeling groundless and grasping for control. The loss of one’s health is also a stark reminder that we actually have less control than we think we do.  

Lately, when life feels uncertain, I find myself closing my eyes and returning to that memory of my mom in the kitchen. I try to imagine myself back there, connecting to all the pleasant senses of that memory and the emotions I felt.  

In EMDR, we call this Calm Peaceful Place. The guided visualization leads the client in recalling a calm peaceful place—real or imagined—and walks them through engaging in all the senses of that place and the emotions they feel. It’s one of several techniques used to help clients find balance and soothe themselves when a difficult emotion or memory arises or to stabilize and calm themselves after processing traumatic events in therapy.

We all have moments in our life when it feels like we are standing on shaky ground. During times of uncertainty, it’s natural to long to feel safe, secure and protected. Going to a Calm Peaceful Place in your mind can help bring you back to center by accessing imagery that helps you activate and embody pleasant emotions. 

This skill is especially important for those who have a trauma history. It’s common for survivors to struggle with feeling pleasant emotions or remembering a positive time in their life. Calm Peaceful Place is one doorway into safely beginning to feel those pleasant emotions and sensations again, and recalling those pleasant experiences. It can feel so empowering to know that when difficult emotions or disturbing memories arise, you can shift your emotional state by using the Calm Peaceful Place technique. This exercise is also ideal for those struggling with anxiety or experiencing stress.  

Calm Peaceful Place Guided Exercise

Below is a script and audio version that you can follow to create your own Calm Peaceful Place. It’s important that when you choose your Calm Peaceful Place that it is not associated with anything negative. Do not proceed with the exercise if you cannot think of a place not attached to something negative. If any difficult feelings arise at any point during the exercise, stop the exercise. You may need the help of a trusted and skilled therapist to guide you.  

Audio Version: Calm Peaceful Place Guided Exercise
  • Begin by taking a few cleansing breaths, inhaling slowly through the nose and exhaling slowly through the mouth.  
  • If it feels comfortable, close your eyes and just notice how your body is feeling. Notice the areas where you feel tension, where you feel relaxed and where you feel neutral.  
  • Feel your body’s points of contact. So that may be your feet connected to the floor, your back resting against a chair or a wall, your hands resting on your legs.  
  • Now think of a place that helps you feel calm, peaceful, and grounded. The place can be either real or imagined, somewhere you’ve been to in the past or would like to go to in the future. If you’re having trouble thinking of a place, try starting with a pleasant memory.  
  • Allow yourself to begin to picture this calm peaceful place and let the details of this setting begin to emerge.  
  • For the next few minutes, engage all of the five senses in your calm peaceful place.  
  • First, notice the colors, the landscape, your surroundings, any objects that call your attention. Notice what time of year it is, time of day… notice what you see as you explore your calm peaceful place. 
  • Notice any textures you feel, perhaps the temperature of your calm peaceful place, the clothes you’re wearing there, the ground beneath your feet, anything you might be holding in your hands… 
  • Notice any peaceful, pleasant sounds… 
  • Notice any pleasant scents, allow yourself to inhale and take in those scents and their calming effects… 
  • Notice any sense of taste… maybe you’re drinking or eating a favorite beverage or snack or simply taking in the fresh air.
  • Take a moment to notice how you feel in your calm peaceful place. What emotions do you feel? How does your body feel–maybe it feels light, open? Do a scan from head to toe and see what you notice and what pleasant sensations you are experiencing.   
  • Finally, is there anything else that your calm peaceful place needs to help you feel calm and grounded? Any objects you’d like to bring to your place to help you feel secure. Maybe you’d like to have a favorite book with you or journal. A favorite sweater or blanket. Any animals or symbols from nature that are comforting.  
  • Give your calm peaceful place a name. It can be as simple as “beach” or “mountain.” In my example above, I named my calm peaceful place “mom cooking.” Say the name of your calm peaceful place aloud or to yourself, and notice how you feel. 
  • Take a few more minutes to let yourself sink into the experience of your calm peaceful place and savor it for as long as you need.  
  • When you’re ready, slowly begin to reconnect with your breath. Take a few slow, soothing breaths. Begin to move your fingers and toes. Bring your attention back to the room you’re in and notice the sounds around you. Slowly open your eyes and orient yourself by looking at the objects around you.  
  • Take a moment to notice how you feel and just sit with that for a minute or so. Try not to rush off to the next thing.  
  • Know that you can return to this place at any point in your day and any time that you need it. You can practice this exercise throughout the day by calling up in your mind your Calm Peaceful Place for a minute or two or doing the full exercise from beginning to end. It can also be used before bedtime to help wind down from the day.  

Need more support? I offer virtual counseling appointments to residents in North Carolina. Contact me today to set up a free phone consultation.   

Posted on

Ways to anchor yourself, increase calm, using the breath

white anchor
Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com

It’s been a hard week for many. In the conversations I’ve been having this week, so many of us are feeling weary, overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, heavy. You are not alone in feeling this way. There is a lot of pain in the world right now. A lot of tragedies. Hurricanes and tornadoes have ravaged communities and peoples’ lives. A school shooting, just one city over from where I live, took the life of a young student. The ongoing pandemic continues to deepen a divide, overtax healthcare workers and claim more lives. All of these events have shaken our sense of security, safety and stability. Using the breath can help bring us back to center.

I’ve provided some tools in this post to help relieve suffering and restore a sense of safety, stability and security. It’s so important to continue to take care of ourselves–mentally, emotionally, physically–in the midst of difficult times. The breath is one way to help stabilize ourselves. It can be an anchor when constant thoughts of worry loop in our minds; when our emotions flood us and become too much for us to experience; when we notice stress and tension in our bodies; when it feels like we’re no longer on solid ground.

The breath is always available to us. Much like a physical anchor provides security and steadiness for a boat, so too can the breath.

8 Ways to Use the Breath as an Anchor

  1. Follow the rise and fall of your belly. Gently rest your hand on your stomach to increase your connection with your body and the present moment.
  2. Imagine your belly as dough rising or a soap bubble expanding and contracting. Simply follow the rise and fall of each breath. Place a hand on your belly to further increase connection to yourself.
  3. Imagine your breath is the ocean at low tide, and follow its ebb and flow to the shoreline.
  4. Slowly tap your feet while observing the natural flow of the breath in and out.
  5. Inhale for a count of 4 and exhale for a count of 4. Do this several times before gently increasing to a count of 6 and then to a count of 8 based on your comfort level.
  6. Imagine your breath as a color. As you inhale, breathe in a color that represents what you need. For example, blue for calm, yellow for joy, etc. Exhale a color that represents what you want to let go of. For example, red for fear, orange for worry.
  7. Count each breath. When you reach 10 breaths, begin counting again starting with 1. Repeat this cycle of 10 breaths as many times as you need to increase calm.
  8. Pair each inhalation and exhalation with lovingkindness phrases:

May I be safe.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I live with ease.

Posted on

How the pandemic has shed light on what matters most

Hand holding flower next to sign that reads grow.
Photo by Carla Kucinski.

If you’re feeling like you’re in the throes of pandemic reentry anxiety, you are not alone. I am right there with you. And I would imagine, based on the conversations I’ve been having lately with others, that many people are in a similar place.  

For the past 12+ months, we have all been in a continual state of crisis, stress and groundlessness that has significantly altered our lives. And now, suddenly, it’s like someone flipped a switch and declared the pandemic “over.” Except it’s not. People are still in the ICU fighting for their lives. People are still losing loved ones. We are still in a pandemic.  

What I’m noticing in my conversations is that the sudden shift from isolation to reentering the world has heightened peoples’ anxiety—and justifiably so. The fear, the worry, the overwhelm are all valid responses after more than a year of being immersed in trauma, grief, loss, isolation and enormous change.

“The fear, the worry, the overwhelm are all valid responses after more than a year of being immersed in trauma, grief, loss, isolation and enormous change.”

The common thread woven throughout the stories people have shared with me is the desire to not go back to the way their life was or the person they were before the pandemic. There is a wish to be more intentional, mindful, gentle and slow in easing into the new world we live in now and to integrate and maintain the new ways of being, feeling and thinking we’ve developed during quarantine. And there is also a deep, real fear of losing these new ways of being that have nourished and sustained us during this challenging time.

Asking the Larger Questions

The return to something or to enter something again is the fundamental definition of reentry. Except, in the context of the pandemic, what we are returning to is no longer the same. But I truly believe that resilience is inherent in all of us. You will find your way. 

If you find yourself lately asking existential questions such as, who am I? What am I doing with my life? What do I want to do with my life? What matters to me? rest assured these are perfectly human and natural questions to ponder, especially during a pandemic. It takes courage to sit with these deeper questions, not to mention it can feel scary to face them. But these questions are important ones to be asking and will help provide you with clarity and guidance.

While this time is certainly filled with anxiety, it also may be a moment to create more meaning in your life. For some, the pandemic has shown them what they can and cannot live without. What once felt necessary no longer is, and what has emerged is a spotlight on the things that matter most.  What matters most to you?

A friend shared with me recently that as the COVID restrictions began to ease, it felt as if a fog was beginning to lift in their own life. And they started to ask the bigger existential questions. They felt like they were on the cusp of a major transformation. I commonly see this happen after someone has survived a trauma and moved through the despair of their grief.  It’s like going from seeing everything in black and white to color and discovering your inner strength and resilience to survive incredibly hard things.

“It’s like going from seeing everything in black and white to color and realizing your inner strength and resilience to survive incredible hard things.”

I couldn’t help but think of these past 15 months like being in a cocoon. All of us undergoing a metamorphosis. The essence and structure of our lives changing shape. For some of us, our metamorphosis may have caused subtle, but powerful, small shifts; for others, cataclysmic, life-altering, big shifts. We have all changed and grown in some way.  

Metamorphosis of yellow butterfly perched on purple flower.
By Petr Ganaj

In a recent interview Oprah did with life coach Martha Beck, she asked her what was the greatest lesson she learned about herself during the pandemic. Martha quipped: “I really do not need that many pants.” Martha went on to share how she learned that less stimulation, more stillness and a slower pace is better for her nervous system. 

I’ve learned this lesson during the pandemic too. As someone who possesses some perfectionism tendencies and is prone to pushing and “being productive,” I’m learning how these patterns are not helpful or enjoyable for me. Like many of you, I’m in the process of unlearning what no longer serves me and integrating ways of being, thinking and feeling that are more aligned with what matters most to me right now.

Transitions are hard and painful. They’re also temporary. Eventually, we move through them and we learn something about ourselves. To borrow a beautiful and poignant quote from Bishop T.D. Jakes: “Pain always leaves a gift.”  

***

Pandemic Reentry Tips

As you move through this time of transition, keep these things in mind:  

  • You have agency.
  • Make choices that feel right and true and safe for you—not what you think you should do or what you see other people doing, but what truly feels aligned with you.  
  • This is new for all of us. It will take some trial and error to figure out what feels best.  
  • Go gently and slowly. Take your time. There’s no rush.  
  • Most of all, be kind to yourself and others as you move through this.   

*** 

Further Reflection

Below are some reflection questions I have explored (and continue to explore) on my own and with trusted loved ones. They might also be helpful to you during this time of transition.

Mug of coffee next to journal that reads Smart, Strong, Fearless, Resilient
Photo by Carla Kucinski

What did I learn during the pandemic about myself? Others? Life?  

What did I learn I could live without? What did I learn I couldn’t live without? 

What practices or habits did I start during the pandemic that I would like to carry forward? What boundaries do I need to create in order to protect and maintain these practices?

What matters most to me?

What gives my life meaning? How can I continue to create meaning in my daily life?  

What are the ways I want to connect with others? 

What would “easing back in” look like for me? 

Posted on

How to care for ourselves during times of grief

Sticks forming shape of a heart
Photo by Carla Kucinski.

“In Fearrington, North Carolina, my grandparents had lived by a pond, where geese plodded around with those curved black necks, squeaky honking. My Grandpa Miller explained that during migration, birds flew in V formation. The bird at the front, the tip of the V, had the hardest job facing the greatest amount of wind resistance. The air coming off the leader’s flapping wings lifted the birds flying behind it. Being the leader was grueling, so the birds took turns. When a bird exhausted itself, it trailed to the back, where it wouldn’t have to flap as hard, riding waves of wind that have been broken down by others. It saved its energy so that it could lead again. This was the only way to make the journey, to escape winter and make it to warmer places.”

From “Know My Name” a memoir by Chanel Miller

I have been completely engrossed by Chanel Miller’s Memoir “Know My Name” these past few weeks. Every free moment, I have been picking up the book and settling under blankets in the quiet of my room to return to Chanel’s moving story. I have never read a memoir that captures so well the complexities, the rawness, the upheaval, the pain and the grief of trauma. As I’ve been reading her book, I’ve found myself jotting down sentences and phrases and screenshotting passages that resonate with me, including the beautiful passage above that made me think of the grief process.

Grief and loss can feel like pumping our own wings, especially in the beginning. We flap them so hard, trying to overcome resistance, trying to push through to get past the pain, pretending we’re okay when we’re not, trying to move forward. But what we often need most, and what grief and loss require, is rest and care for ourselves—because grief can be exhausting. It asks a lot from us.

But what we often need most, and what grief and loss require, is rest and care for ourselves—because grief can be exhausting. It asks a lot from us.

2020 has asked a lot from us. The pandemic, racial injustice, natural disasters, the political climate, and so many different types of losses–loved ones, jobs, connection, physical touch, safety, control, normalcy, community… We are all pumping our wings, trying to cope as best we can with this challenging time.

We are all pumping our wings, trying to cope as best we can with this challenging time.

It is common with grief to feel a landslide of emotions. Grief can also affect us mentally, physically and spiritually. Loss creates a new reality and can make us not feel like ourselves. It takes a lot of energy to adjust to so much change, which is why rest is essential.

It’s okay to take breaks, to lean on others, to let them take the lead sometimes, to say no to the things that deplete us, and yes to ourselves. Self-care is critical and necessary. Our hearts are doing a lot of work this year, and it needs our love, care and attention.

So how do we even begin to care for ourselves? Self-care may look like taking first steps such as:

  • Every day, asking yourself: what is one thing I can do to care for myself today?
  • Listening to what you need and honoring it instead of resisting it
  • Allowing yourself to feel and to express your feelings—cry, scream, laugh when you need to
  • Being gentle with yourself and not taking on too much or expecting too much of yourself
  • Reaching out to loved ones who listen, love and support you
  • Engaging in physical activity that you enjoy
  • Getting adequate sleep and maintaining a consistent sleep schedule
  • Exploring new activities that may aid in your healing such as an art class, photography, writing, virtual book club, nature hikes, meditation
  • Joining a support group or starting therapy individually to support your mental health

Posted on

When grief leads to growth

Not every struggle yields growth. But sometimes there are certain things that happen in our lives that do. This might be one of those times.

Worn path in field leading to blue sky.
Photo by Carla Kucinski.

My heart has been feeling heavy. Chances are yours is too.

As I sat in my living room on a recent morning, folding laundry in the quiet of my home, I noticed the weight tugging on my heart. These moments of silence are important. Without them, we lose connection with ourselves. And without that connection, we cannot identify, process and express what we are feeling. For me, in that moment, I was feeling grief.

Earlier that morning, I heard the report of the first infant death related to COVID-19, and that’s when the heaviness hit me. Every day, people are dying, and hearts are being broken. We are collectively grief-stricken.

Every one of us has lost something during this pandemic—jobs, loved ones, pets, health, homes, routines, proms, graduations, weddings, funerals, birthday celebrations, normalcy, safety, security… The list goes on.

It may bring you comfort knowing that you are not alone in your loss and that what you are experiencing is universal. However, it may also bring you deep sadness, anger or frustration knowing that all of us are suffering on some level.

And while we all may be experiencing similar losses, we will all handle these losses and our grief in different ways.

During this strange and unpredictable period of our lives, for me, grief has felt like high tide and low tide. It ebbs and flows. At times, things feel okay. At other times, it doesn’t. A text from a friend could make me smile or make me cry. Some days I am super productive and connecting with the people I love, and other days I want to do nothing but be alone and veg out on my bed with Netflix. Sometimes I feel at peace and hopeful. Other times I feel helpless.

We often think of grief as being connected to the death of someone we love, but grief can be a response to any deep loss. The end of a relationship. A dream taken away. A move to a new city. A loss of health. That’s what makes it so hard sometimes to recognize that what we’re actually experiencing is grief.

When I look back on some of the darkest times in my life, trauma and grief were intertwined. A sudden, overwhelming event would happen and inevitably lead to grief. And sometimes, it would also lead to growth.

Sun setting over a grassy hill.
Photo by Carla Kucinski.

I remember what it felt like 10 years ago when I left my ex-husband and the grief that followed me. No one died, but it felt like a funeral. I lost my marriage, my house, my neighborhood that I loved, who I was and what I thought my life was going to be. I spent time with friends and family, but I also spent a lot of time alone–thinking, reflecting, grieving. Much like the space I find myself in today, my life slowed down and suddenly I had time, quiet and lots of solitude.

I both hated and loved all that time to myself. I was terrified of being alone and also relieved to have calm and quiet after so much upheaval and suffering. Grief was not something that I could just “get over.” I had to go through it.

During that grieving process, I struggled as I found healthy ways to cope with what happened and tried to make sense of it. I also started to question my place in the world. I went through some deep suffering, and I came out on the other side a changed person. I found my voice and I found me.

Over time, I learned how to become my own refuge again. I found a new normal, a new relationship with myself and others, deepened my friendships and my personal strength, and cultivated a greater appreciation for the healthier and more fulfilling life that came afterwards.  

It’s what Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD named post-traumatic growth in the ‘90s. Their research showed that after a traumatic or difficult event, some individuals may experience improved growth in key areas such as: relationships, a deeper appreciation for life, new possibilities for themselves, personal strength, and spirituality or finding greater meaning in life. They also discovered that this process didn’t happen passively. Rather, one had to actively engage in processing, coping with and making meaning from this life change, and that the personal growth comes from this process—not the actual trauma that happened.

Not every struggle yields growth. But sometimes there are certain things that happen in our lives that do. This might be one of those times.

After all of this is over, what will you discover? Who will you become?

Slow down, pause and just notice. You get to decide how you want to use this time and what matters most. Maybe you will deepen your relationship with yourself and others. Maybe you will have a greater appreciation for life. Maybe your struggle will lead to something greater. Keep your heart open to the possibilities.

Figure sitting on house roof with arms outstretched.
“Find Joy” by Woodie Anderson.

Proudly powered by WordPress